This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
