I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
