Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
