I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
