There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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