I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
