The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Dick very happy bro
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
