you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
