she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
