did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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