Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
