And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
