And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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