Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
