end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
