My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
