Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
