Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
he quoted the bible to break up with me
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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