She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
