Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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