Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
They are going to name an STD after you.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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