I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
