Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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