I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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