I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
