Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
