i would punch a child for taco bell
I think I won the penis lottery.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
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Did I show you my penis last night?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
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