U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
