Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
