Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
