is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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