The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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