I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
