i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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