On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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