My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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