Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
