can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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