Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
