ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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