I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
