so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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