I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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