dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
