ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
