you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
