I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
