You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
