I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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