I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
