Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
