I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
