at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
