so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
