whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
