At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
