I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
