how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
