I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Is it penis luge time yet?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
