my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
