If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
