Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
